An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
new wife guy just dropped
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss