*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
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If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.