[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
You Might Also Like
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
She puts the hot in psychotic
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”