Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.