I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
The French cow says MEUX…
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!