My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
can’t believe I got front row seats
This is hilarious….
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly