John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.