My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
You Might Also Like
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I’m not stressed
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*