*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
reviewed some movies recently
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Potatoes were such a good idea
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.