[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.