Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
We need more people like this.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
He is just living hist best little life 😊
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.