[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My teenage children choosing violence
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.