Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Cha-ching is my safe word
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…