Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
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What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.