Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
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Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok