Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
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One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
why isn’t he texting back
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.