The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Sending in my taxes
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.