Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
vegan witches, happy halloween!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped