My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’