As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit