Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
#Thanos #MondayMood
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.