I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets