Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.