A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I think this should do it.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)