Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Barbie gone wild
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.