Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
This kid is going places
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?