judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.