*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.