*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
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Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.