everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I think this cat is broken
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Never let them know your next move 😂
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”