Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
#NeverForget
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*