Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Go girl power!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
pictures of spider-man
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.