Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*