Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.