Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
You Might Also Like
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Finally!
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991