Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.