{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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A choir of Spring onions
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.