I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time