do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
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As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.