Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti