What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
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[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
do horses think humans are hats
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
So inspired right now.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”