6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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every college guy’s fridge
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
for all #parents out there
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head