[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.