Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
You Might Also Like
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?