If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.