[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
The Book. The Movie.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]