Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
all bases covered
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.