I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.