Ferrari squats
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.