The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
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4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.